Greg Harp, Author at Agape Counseling Associates

The Bully Factor

Greg Harp — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 12:29:40 +0000

Children’s laughter is often regarded as a joyful melody, a soundtrack to innocence and happiness. However, when that laughter turns into a tool for derision, mockery, or exclusion, it becomes a discordant note in the symphony of childhood. Bullies use a wide range of tactics, getting as creative as they want, with almost no limits.

The methods of bullying can take various forms, from cutting remarks about a child’s physical appearance, behavior, attire, or academic achievements, to outright rejection through verbal abuse or social exclusion. Physical aggression is not uncommon, ranging from direct acts like pushing and shoving to more covert methods such as blocking passages or intimidating gestures that instill fear of potential harm when the victim is alone.

Despite the gravity of these actions, some adults tend to trivialize their impact, dismissing them as mere rites of passage in the journey to adulthood. The attitude of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” prevails among these individuals, downplaying the emotional scars left by bullying experiences. However, the reality is far from this resilient narrative. In counseling sessions, individuals of all ages recount how early encounters with bullying have etched traumatic imprints on their psyche, leading to enduring issues such as depression, anxiety, distorted body image, eating disorders, and self-harm tendencies.

What steps can parents take to help their children navigate the tricky world of social interactions Counselors promote the importance of listening with empathy and attention. By listening empathetically, parents can prevent their children from internalizing feelings of shame and self-rejection. Instead, they can guide them towards constructive solutions, fostering the development of healthy boundaries and facilitating positive social interactions. Encouraging assertiveness devoid of vindictiveness, urging communication with school authorities, and maintaining a documented record of bullying incidents are vital steps in empowering children to navigate such challenges with confidence and resilience.

For additional resources, we also recommend:

No More Bullies: For Those who Wound or are Wounded – Frank Peretti, 2003
Odd Girl Speaks Out – Rachel Simmons, 2004
God, I Need to Talk to You about Bullying – Susan K Leigh, 2005 (English & Spanish)
“Help! My Child Is Being Bullied”– article on CBN.com by Paul Coughlin

by Kathy Goodrich, LCSW-R

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No More Shame: Shame Vs Guilt

Greg Harp — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 12:20:13 +0000

As we experience life, our behaviors and interactions will impact the way we feel about ourselves. Behaviors, both positive and negative, bring consequences and those consequences influence our future selves. The same is true for interactions with others. What happens to us – in our environments and in our interactions with others – impacts our sense of self. Over time, we develop beliefs about ourselves: “I am good,” “I am bad,” “I am fat,” “I am a loser,” “I am God’s gift to this lowly earth.” Many of these beliefs are developed through our perception or interpretations of our world. Some have accuracy, others are pure falsehoods. Some bring desire for change and others bring guilt and shame.

Shame is something that may be experienced by all of us in some area of our lives. Shame is the feeling of unlovability, rejection, or worthlessness that clings to us and invades our thoughts, actions and most importantly, our interactions with others. With shame, we tell ourselves “I AM BAD.” Shame builds walls around us, preventing us from true intimacy with others because we view the world through our faults. We tend to hold on to a continuous desire to be better or perfect, but we are hindered when playing the role of a victim or when we stay on the defensive, trying to keep others from finding us out. Shame prevents us from accepting the love of others, especially God. It prevents us from being open to the graces God bestows on us daily. Shame is a lie!

So what if we have said or done things which are sinful, hurtful to self or others What if we have not been living the Christian life asked of us by our Heavenly Father We first need to work to forgive ourselves. We need to acknowledge our faults and ask for forgiveness from God and others, and then make amends. For many situations, forgiveness does not erase the consequences. This is where we experience the remorse and regret of our actions and even a feeling of guilt leading to shame. But guilt can be healthy or unhealthy. First, unhealthy guilt can lead to stagnation or regression. We allow ourselves to wallow in the guilt and let it impact us negatively. This has the potential of turning into shame. Healthy guilt, however, is an opportunity for growth. We see our wrongs and learn from them. Healthy guilt moves us forward in our life. Healthy guilt can also be more challenging and fear-inducing because it means taking full accountability, asking for pardon, amending the situation and accepting the consequences. However, when everything is said and done, there will be strength, peace and gratitude experiencing a new self.

Patrick Cayouette, LMSW

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Communication Skills – Unpacking What We Say

Greg Harp — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 12:07:02 +0000

When I hear the word “unpack”, my mind immediately goes to the sea of boxes and the general state of disarray that follows a household move. In my 24 years of marriage, I have moved 11 times. I would like to say that moving gets easier each time but it doesn’t; it is still a pain. But to unpack has another connotation – to analyze something into its component elements. “Loaded” comments, “pregnant” sentences and word “pictures” all provide the communicator with the opportunity to unpack what is truly meant. The difficulty comes when we assume others understand all of what we are trying to communicate.

Communication is an interesting subject. Oftentimes, the speaker thinks they are being clear, only to find out later there was a misunderstanding. In relationships, many an argument started with a loaded comment that was not fully understood. “Honey, please take out the trash” seems simple enough, but if the tone of voice and body language are communicating one thing (i.e. “I have had a difficult day and you obviously have done nothing but play video games!”) and speech communicates another (“take out trash” – no overt time frame mentioned) then problems can arise. The trash sits there until the next level of communication comes out – raising the voice. Taking a moment to unpack what is meant in the beginning would certainly help to alleviate the miscommunication!

It is interesting to see that Jesus is one who understood the importance of unpacking. When He spoke in parables, He took the time to help His listeners understand what was really implied. In the parable of the four soils, Mark 4:13 says Jesus explained what He was talking about. Jesus used loaded comments and word pictures, but also took the time to make sure His listeners understood what was been taught. Even the Son of God, however, was not immune to misunderstanding.

Speaking clearly is important. A great tool to employ is reflective listening – repeating back to the speaker what you just heard them say. As we grow in our communication skills, we will find misunderstandings getting fewer and fewer!

Blessings,
Greg Harp – Executive Director

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