Facing Infertility
by Sheri Orr
Many couples enter the decision to have a baby assuming pregnancy will happen immediately. For some couples this is the case, but more commonly couples can wait months or sometimes even years before achieving their first pregnancy. With the trend today of couples waiting until their thirties and forties to start a family, the challenges with becoming pregnant increase and the issue of infertility becomes a central focus.
There are many statistics surrounding infertility and many scientific explanations regarding the causes of infertility. It is easy for the infertile couple to feel lost in the quagmire of research, information and treatment options. They can begin to feel like they are being treated like a mere case study rather than a couple that is starting to see their dreams for a family crumble before their eyes. (For the sake of this article, the term "infertile couple" will include those identified by a physician as having fertility issues, those receiving medical treatment for infertility and those that have been diagnosed as unable to conceive a child.)
An enormous emotional toll can occur with each failed attempt at achieving pregnancy, miscarriages that can occur, and the decisions about what medical treatments to pursue. The most significant is experiencing loss. The couple has likely planned out a future with children and fully expected to be able to achieve this dream. When infertility is diagnosed, the reality of the loss of the dream begins to ensue. The couple can start out encouraged by treatment options and can remain relatively upbeat but can feel their hope beginning to fade with each passing month without a pregnancy.
In order to understand the impact of dealing with a loss it might be helpful to know some of the feelings associated with loss. It is not uncommon for the infertile couple to experience sadness, loneliness, guilt, helplessness, anxiety and anger. These may be played out in symptoms like lethargy (a lack of energy), difficulty sleeping, loss of appetite, irritability, crying at things that usually don't elicit crying, difficulty concentrating, and removing oneself from social situations and friends.
It is also common for the couple to feel alone in their struggle. Fertility is a personal issue - sperm counts and ovarian functioning are not usual fare for everyday conversation. The couple can feel a sense of shame or guilt, that there is something wrong with them because they are not able to have children, where it seems to come so easily with their friends. It can be a difficult subject to bridge with others because not everyone can fully understand the heartache the couple is experiencing and many times well-meaning friends can add to the couple's pain by asking, "Has it happened
yet?" As a result, the couple might find themselves withdrawing from others.
The couple may also get angry at friends who become pregnant. They want to share in their joy, but it is a reminder of what they can't have and it can stir up feelings of being "less than" others. They may even get angry at each other, maybe blaming the spouse that was diagnosed, or more commonly, blaming oneself and turning the anger inward. Because there is such a helplessness when dealing with infertility, some people find themselves becoming angry with God since He is the source of life. Some may even feel like God is punishing them for some reason.
If you are a couple facing the pain of infertility, it is important to acknowledge the feelings you are experiencing. Even if some of the feelings seem irrational to you, you are still experiencing them and they will impact you in some way. It is okay to cry and it is okay to be angry - these are natural responses. It is important to be honest with your spouse and to share your needs. You may want to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, but this is something that both of you are experiencing together and it impacts both of you. The person that will most be able to relate to you is your spouse. Be careful, though, to not expect your spouse to respond exactly like you. People react differently to loss.
Also, be honest with God. He knows your pain and wants to meet you there. Be honest with your doctor as well. If you are uncomfortable with a procedure, tell your doctor. Be aware of how far you want to go with medical interventions. There is a great deal of information on the Internet that can help answer questions. People tend to have less anxiety about topics they are more familiar with.
If you find yourself wanting to withdraw from others, at least surround yourself with a core group of friends who can support you. This might be others who have dealt with the same struggle or it might be friends or family members who know how to listen and not fall back on platitudes because of their own discomfort with the topic.
Stress management techniques are helpful as well. Doctors frequently tell their patients to "just relax" and "don't stress about it," but it is difficult to not want to count down days or to relax when some of the treatments are very uncomfortable. Find what de-stresses you and schedule times just for that. It might be a warm bath, a quiet walk, listening to relaxing music or exercising. It is also helpful to limit the amount of time you talk about your infertility with your spouse so it doesn't become all-consuming. There are other aspects to your life and relationship.
If you are a friend of someone who is struggling with infertility be available to listen. The key is listening, allowing your friend to share what she is experiencing and feeling. Refrain from giving answers unless you are asked for them. Your friend needs a place to share the pain she faces. When we give answers, which usually make us feel better, it can sometimes make the person we are listening to feel as though they are not being heard. You may want to say all kinds of encouraging things but that can make her feel as though her pain is not valid. The reality she is facing is that the outcome of her struggle might end unsuccessfully and telling her that it will be successful doesn't meet her where she is at. If she asks for encouragement, by all means give it. And most importantly allow her to update you on their progress or lack of it. Asking her questions can make her feel pressured, inadequate and can remind her of the pain all over again.
If you are someone who has been diagnosed with infertility and gone through the treatments unsuccessfully, or chose not to do the treatments, then it is important to grieve the loss of your dream and hope for children. There are support groups that can be helpful with this, self-help books, or if you choose, professional counseling. Grieving is a natural response to loss and will help you to move on. If you deny your pain and try to avoid it, you can become "stuck" emotionally which can cripple your relationships and stymie your growth as a person and spiritual being.