Listen Up
by Joyce Wagner
The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them. - Ralph Nichols
When we talk with someone important, we want, most of all, to be heard and understood. Despite this desire, often when we talk with one another we only partially listen and miss opportunities to truly communicate with one another. Whether we are distracted by what happened at work, half-listening because the television is on or thinking about what to have for dinner – we aren’t focusing on what the other person is telling us. To make matters worse, when people engage in a conflict, they are often so busy formulating their response to what is being said (because they assume they have heard the same things many times before) rather than paying attention – so they can ‘win’ the argument. In order to really listen to another we must first learn to shut out these outside distractions and solely focus our interest in what the other is feeling and thinking.
Even after we have ‘tuned in’ to what the other person and have an interest in what they are saying, many of us are very directive or commanding in our responses. Rather than simply listening we direct the flow of the conversation by asking a lot of closed-ended questions like who, what, when and how. Such questions not only can guide the conversation, but also constrain what the other person is trying to communicate. When you are involved in an important conversation, try not to overuse these types of probing questions but rather think about how to encourage the speaker’s telling his or her story as freely as possible. If questions must be used, try to use those that open up a discussion rather than narrow it down such as: ‘Do you remember a time when you felt like that before’ or ‘Is there anything else you remember’.
As an alternative to closed-ended, probing questions try focusing on the feelings the speaker is expressing. While this sounds relatively simple, in most conversations we have trained ourselves to listen for content rather than the feeling behind such communication. Take the following statement:
‘I’m really surprised at myself, but I have found myself feeling anxious about my oldest daughter starting school in the fall. We’ve just always been together, but lately I find that I get sad when I think of her leaving – so I’ve kept myself busy."
The content of this sentence involves the speaker’s relationship with her daughter and the fact that she will soon be starting school. While these details are important, the speaker is also expressing feelings of sadness, confusion, anxiety and grief about her daughter’s leaving. While gathering more facts about this problem could be useful, by choosing responding to the feeling message you will help the speaker increase their own self-exploration.
Simple statements like ‘I can only imagine what you must have felt’ or ‘It sounds as if you felt abandoned’ also help the speaker to both feel understood and to examine their own feelings further. General encouragers such as ‘Go on’, ‘tell me more’ or ‘Help me understand’ all express your interest in what the other is saying without directing the conversation, keeping the focus on the speaker’s intent rather than your own.
While the above skills are important, when communicating with others there is no greater gift to give than your respect for their view of a situation. Respect goes farther than simply being interested in what another has to say - it asks you to put aside issues of right or wrong, the truth and your own perspective. Remembering that two different people will always react differently to the same situation (particularly if there are differences in upbringing, training, experiences and values), having respect for the speaker allows them freedom to have their own opinions. Giving this type of space acknowledges the individual’s uniqueness, differences, and idiosyncrasies and may also facilitate to move on to explore previously untapped feelings, thoughts, memories, fears, and hopes.
Respect for another’s subjective reality also helps bring balance to the power distribution in a relationship; it shows that one’s own view is not better nor worse – only different, and an important piece in trying to gain mutual meaning and understanding about an event or individual. In contrast, nothing will shut down another’s efforts to share quicker than when a listener appears disinterested, sleepy or preoccupied. In the same way that the above skills tell others that we have an interest and respect in their ideas, a slightly raised eyebrow, yawn or glance at the watch speaks disrespect louder than words ever could.
Practicing the skills outlined will take time and patience – but will also result in several near-immediate benefits. By really listening to what others are saying we can avoid or minimize daily misunderstandings, lower the defenses of those we care about and allow people to open up emotionally, thus improving our relationships with one another.