Sexual Conflict and the Christian Community's Response

by Kathy Goodrich

"Controversy for its own sake is sin, but to tell the truth is a mandate," declared Joe Dallas, M.A. at a One by One conference in late October. Dallas, the director of Genesis Counseling Center in Orange, CA., past President of Exodus International, and author of numerous books, including Desires In Conflict and A Strong Delusion is also known as an international expert on counseling individuals who struggle with homosexuality. Just prior to the weekend conference, dealing with the church’s redemptive response to sexual conflict the charismatic speaker also engaged in a series of lively, mutually respectful discussions regarding homosexuality with students and faculty at Princeton.

Unfortunately, the Christian community often responds to self-identified gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans-gendered (GLBT) individuals with either with theologically lukewarm, politically correct affirmation of all choices and lifestyles or hostility and arrogance that cause us to turn a blind eye to our own immorality, as if there is a hierarchy of sin; yet as Alfred Adler, theorist in the field of psychology, reportedly stated that "It is easier to fight for our principles that to live up to them".

Name an intra- or interpersonal conflict, and there are local Christians struggling with it. Marital discord has led to an extremely high divorce rate while pornography consumption and inappropriate use of the Internet plague others. If we are to reflect God’s mind and heart, we must first repent of our own immorality, and recommit ourselves to God’s holiness.

In his book Inside Out, (Navpress: 1988) author and teacher Larry Crabb states, "There is more to knowing God than the most mature Christian has ever envisioned (pg. 24)." If we measure spirituality by choice of movie or never missing church, we ignore the troubling realities within our soul and merely conform our behavior to whatever standards we set. This change is external, and "Fellowship may be reduced to mere activity and tough accountability (pg. 35)." In contrast, he urges us to let God change us from good disciples into powerfully loving servants who leave an indelible mark on people we encounter by letting God change us, from the inside out, through a process of struggle and restructured approach to life.

This type of radical change requires dropping our pretense that things are fine, and permitting death of pride even though this process feels like death of our self because of our fallen nature. The apostle Paul has reassured us that this is the way for Christ to be exalted in our lives in Philippians 1:21 where he states, "For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

Repenting of our own immorality must involve sorrow for any hostility we have had toward homosexuals. In Genesis 1:27 we learn that, following His creation of the universe and all other living creatures, "God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them." To all human beings He gave the capacity to know Him and His very nature through salvation and the indwelling Holy Spirit. Scripture does not say "For God so loved most of the world" but rather "For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16). We may dislike sinful behaviors, but we cannot hate others without dishonoring God, as John 4:19-21 clearly states, "We love because He first loved us. If anyone says ‘I love God’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And He has given us this command: whoever loves God must also love his brother."

This sort of bold love also seeks to serve without compromise. Some people would have us address the issues surrounding homosexuality apart from moral law, but we cannot, because the very call to be conformed to His image compels us to measure and discern by God’s standards, as written in Scripture. Although the topic of homosexuality is never easy, and circumstances may warrant unique adaptations, the following are some general guidelines to help you form a healthy response if a family member ‘comes out’:

  1. Ask for clarification: "What does this mean to you?" (e.g. one may be attracted to members of the same gender but find that in conflict with one’s personal values, or may perceive no value conflict whatsoever and determine to make this an active lifestyle).

  2. Ask the individual where she or he stands with this Biblically, theologically, or morally.

  3. Ask what are the person’s intentions (e.g. keep this private, tell extended family, seek a lover etc.).

  4. Ask "What would you like from me?"

  5. Use reflective listening skills. (e.g. "That wasn’t an easy disclosure; thank you for trusting me with it. You’re asking me for more understanding and honesty").

  6. Ask if there are family dynamics possibly relevant to the development of same-gender attraction that he or she would like to discuss.

  7. Establish boundaries that fit with your conscience and promote mutual respect regarding visits with or without the loved one’s gay partner, attendance at gay weddings, overnight visits, etc.

  8. Recognize that you are not the only person in your loved one’s life and that God can speak truth to him or her through a variety of individuals.

  9. Release him or her to God’s care and with prayerful expectancy provide consistent, loving communication.

  10. Be available.