Fighting Fair in Relationships

by Barbara Borgese

Life on earth is a brief journey. Whether that journey is a pleasant and meaningful one depends primarily upon you an the way you communicate with the people you love. The following guidelines suggest rules for fighting fair. They are taken from "Worry-Free Living" by Minerth, Meier, and Hawkins. Although originally designed for husbands and wives, they can apply to any relationship.

  • Pray about each conflict and what has been your part before discussing it with the other person.

  • Consider your relationship a long-term commitment, not to be discarded because of one disagreement, no matter how serious it may be.

  • Agree to listen to each other's feelings, even if you consider those feelings inappropriate.
    Commit to be honest and accepting of each other.

  • Care for each other unconditionally, with each person assuming 100 percent of responsibility for resolving the conflict ( a 50/50 concept seldom works).

  • Limit the conflict to the present. Don't bring up past failures since the past should have already been forgiven. · Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:

    • "You never" or "You always".

    • "I can't" (usually this means "I won't").

    • "I'll try" (usually this means "I'll make a half-hearted attempt but won't quite succeed").

    • "You should" or "You shouldn't" (these are parent-to-child statements).

  • Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.

  • Limit the dicussion to the issue that is the center of the conflict

  • Offer the other person some time to think about the conflict before discussing it (but try not to let more than a day go by).

  • Use "I feel…" messages in expressing a response. For example, "I feel angry toward you for coming home late without calling me first" is an adult-to-adult message, whereas, "You should always call me when you're going to be late for supper" is a parent-to child message. Such an "order" causes the other person to become defensive.

  • Don't make derogatory statements about the other person's personality.

  • Don't counterattack, even if the other person does not follow these guidelines.

  • Don't tell the person why you think he or she does whatever it is (unless you are asked) but rather stick to how you feel about what is done.

  • Don't try to read the other person's mind. If you aren't sure what is meant by something, ask for clarification.

  • Be honest about your emotions, but keep them under control.

  • Remember that the resolution of the conflict is what is important, not who wins or loses. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. You're on the same team, not opposing, competing teams.

  • Agree on what topics are out of bounds because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed.

The family can be the greatest source of comfort or pain. There is a fine line between caring and criticizing. Pay attention to what you intend to convey, the heart-meaning of your words if you will. Matthew 12:34 (TLB) tells us, "A man's heart determines his speech." Jeff Herring, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Florida, relates reading a bedtime book to his small son. He was thinking about the title of the book, "Say the Magic Words Please" and began wondering what the "magic words" might be for couples. Here are a few "magic words" contributed by family, friends and clients:

  • "I love you." These are such simple little words, but if left unspoken, can cause a lot of damage. Negative things begin to happen when a person begins to believe that they are no longer loved.

  • "Let's try it your way." There is no virtue in always wanting to be right at another's expense.
    "Maybe you're right." A cousin to "let's try it your way" these words make room for the possibility that there is another valid point of view beside your own. In marriage, you can be right or you can be happy.

  • "How can I show you I love you today?" What inviting words! What would it feel like to hear that on a regular basis? · "I'm sorry I hurt you." So needed, yet at times so hard to say.
    "Please forgive me." Usually needs to follow "I'm sorry." "Please forgive me" does at least three important things: acknowledges the hurt; requires more vulnerability; and comes with a commitment to not hurt again, to change.

  • "How am I doing as a spouse and partner?" This one is only for the courageous. Most people, if honest, would say that they never got an hands-on instruction on how to do this marriage thing. They make it up as they go along. Asking this shows that you are willing to learn and to change, if necessary.

  • "Hi, I just called to say I'm thinking of you." Enough said, this one stands on its own.

Colossians 4:6 says, "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned, as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person." (NAS) Fighting fair requires patience and practice. It is well worth the time and effort to make your life journey a pleasant and meaningful one.