When Relationships Don't Go Well

by Kathy Elliott

Jack and Jill were a cute couple. They had met at a Ski Club and were excited when they hit it off so well. Jill hadn’t dated much and was enjoying Jack’s preoccupation with her. Jack had recently been dumped by a woman somewhat older than he, who said she needed her space. Jack was glad Jill welcomed his taking care of her and spending his time exclusively with her. He even had said he would give her space if she needed it and would help her with her financial struggle. And then the oh-too-familiar riddle began:

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To ski and build their friendship;
Jack fell down and broke his vow,
Sending Jill crashing — and ending their courtship.

All relationships hold some pain but relationships that don’t go well cause considerable anger, disappointment, and a sense of failure and shame. Dissonant relationships may occur in friendship, dating or marriage, and with neighbors, work associates, and family.

There are definite factors that contribute to relationships not working well. These factors include: one person in the relationship demanding all-consuming attention, allowing for little individual growth, playing psychological games, attempting to change the other person, feeling the need to have the other person to feel complete, refusing to commit, looking only to the other person for affirmation and worth, fearing abandonment, attempting to take care of other’s feelings, playing power games like one-upmanship.

On the other hand, developing the counterparts to those negative qualities helps build good relationships: allowing for individuality, inviting the other person to grow, feeling freedom to ask honestly for what is wanted, not attempting to change or control the other, encouraging self-sufficiency in the other person, having the ability to make a commitment, having personal high esteem and sense of well-being, trusting the memory of the loved one and enjoying solitude, caring for the other’s feelings but remaining detached, affirming the equality and personal power of both the self and other. When the unhealthy factors predominate, and one is struggling, coping with the resulting troubling relationships includes taking action in our thinking, hearts, and behaviors.

Realize:

  • Conflict resolution may not work: the other person may be incapable of empathy and resolution, and change may not occur without intentional personal work or a miracle. If you are the one who is incapable, get feedback about your behavior.

  • Resoultion may have to occur within yourself: mature in every way you can and be satisfied you have done your part.

  • You are more than that relationship: you have a self that is defined by your values, qualities, purpose in life, and relationship with God.

Release:

  • Relinquish your need to be the savior of that other person

  • Let go of the belief that your worth comes from another person's approval, love or attention; your worth is because you are created by and redeemed by God

  • Replace obsession about the relationship with reality of the situation

  • Come out of denial; take responsibility for your contribution, be sad, but go on

Reframe:

  • See the loss or change in relationship as a catalyst, an opportunity to find more significance to your life than trying to make that person function well

  • See that person’s loss of your "fix-it focus" as your gain of energy to live more fully

Resolve:

  • To develop more wholeness and less dependence on that person

  • To forgive the offenses and free your spirit

  • To develop good boundaries, empathy, and self definition through spiritual discipline

Reconnect:

  • Fellowship with others who affirm, value, and respect you with God and experience His truth, protection, and purpose for you

Rejoice:

  • Worship Almighty God, not the relationship

  • Rejoice in hope for growth and productivity in your life in spite of the fractured, lost, or painful relationship

Jack and Jill started up the hill of relationship. As in skiing, there are necessary skills, ideal conditions, and unforeseen bumps. At times we fall down and have the choice to get up and continue the work and journey. The six R-verbs listed above are helpful ways to get back up and continue on with your life; they are equally valuable reminders as skills to build a healthy relationship.